


Under your reasons

by Lady_sb



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Body Worship, Drama, Drama & Romance, Established Relationship, M/M, Multi, Piercings, Tattoos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:21:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26493301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_sb/pseuds/Lady_sb
Summary: From what started as a curiosity over Rafael Barba's tattoo has now turned into a full-blown relationship for Sonny Carisi with the man himself. It makes Sonny think that the time is now right to give up a few secrets of his own.However, a chance meeting with Barba's ex has Sonny wondering whether he really knows Rafael at all.A sequel toUnder your skin
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 15
Kudos: 77





	1. ~Part I~

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Under your skin](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22756282) by [Lady_sb](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_sb/pseuds/Lady_sb). 



> Hello lovelies, I come to you with a sequel to one of my first Barisi fics that I wrote back in February (remember February? When we could go out to bars and hug our friends? Sort of?) 
> 
> The fic was called [Under your skin](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22756282/chapters/54374605#workskin) where Sonny becomes intent on finding out what tattoo Barba has, and along the way realising that maybe what he is feeling is not so straightforward. 
> 
> I never intended to write a sequel, but I got into my head this idea of giving Sonny the body modification this time (plus some piercings are really sexy). I also really wanted him to meet Barba's ex and see what more he could uncover. 
> 
> With that please enjoy Part I. Part II will be up soon, as soon as muses are cooperative. But the one promise I always make to anyone reading is that I will not take too long to update, because I am so grateful to all of you. Thank you for the motivation. 
> 
> Comments/kudos are so much love.

***

_I know you need_  
_The upper hand even when we aren't fighting_  
_But if you're gonna fight then do it for me_  
_I know you're built to love, but broken now,_  
_So just try_

***

Rafael first notices it when he is sucking Sonny’s dick. 

Two small indentations on opposite sides of the shaft, just below the sensitive flare of the head. It was easy to miss at first glance for sure, Sonny’s cock was long and pink all the way to the tip, the colour deepening the more he got aroused. 

To be fair on himself, Sonny did have a gorgeous dick. At full attention it was an elegant cut monster, a two-handed mouthful that curved flat against his pale stomach, his balls tight and neat against the base. 

It was no wonder Rafael had insisted on blowing Sonny the second time they had slept together. 

It was also why it was so easy to miss the small characteristics that made every cock different. Barba’s own dick was girthier than his lover’s, all dusky rose skin and flagging heavy when he was hard. But the vein that ran the length of his shaft was more pronounced, the crown more delicate but extremely sensitive just underneath the slit. 

A fact that Sonny knew all too well and exploited all too frequently when felt in the mood for reducing Barba to a trembling, needy mess. 

“Rafi, I love how into your blowjobs you are, but you are starting to freak me out a bit.”

Rafael’s head jerked up as Sonny’s voice suddenly broke his concentration, which made him realise that he had been staring at his partner’s groin for longer than what was probably appropriate. 

Even though the both of them were naked on on his bed, with Sonny’s fingers lovingly grazing the cleft of his ass, his fingertips lightly fingering Rafael’s hole. The entire area was damp and sticky from when he had sat on Sonny’s face earlier in the evening.

A face that was still wonderfully flushed, his hair mussed and those lips wet and swollen. His slate grey eyes that were normally so clear and conscientious were now hazy and out of focus, the pupils blown wide. 

Rafael’s entire body warmed at the memory of Sonny lovingly eating him out until his thighs were trembling. 

“Just making sure you were paying attention Sonny,” Rafael replied, purposely choosing to sound standoffish in order to hide the fact that he had gotten sidetracked. 

He felt rather than heard Sonny’s groan travelling through his body like a current when he put his lips back on the other man’s prick. Rafael hummed quietly as he opened up his throat, taking Sonny’s cock inch-by-pleasurable inch until he was more than halfway down. 

**Rafael fact #12** : he could deepthroat like a champ. 

Rafael swallowed and Sonny damn near howled as he grabbed the headboard so hard his knuckles turned white. He swallowed again and lightly pressed a fingertip to Sonny’s asshole, which caused a spurt of salty pre-cum straight down the back of his throat. 

“That’s it, take me deeper baby.” Sonny was babbling now as Rafael held his hips down so that he could control the pace. He withdrew slowly, lips tight against the shaft until he had pulled off with a soft ‘pop’, Sonny’s balls heavy in his palm. 

Shifting his weight back slightly, Barba rested his head on Sonny’s thigh as he took deep breaths, enjoying the slightly soreness as his lover shallowly dipped two fingers inside him. 

“Damn Rafi, you are gonna kill me one day,” Sonny said with a soft laugh, using his free hand to brush back Barba’s sweat-damp hair in a gesture that was just a touch too sweet. But Barba let it go, instead enjoying the feel of Sonny teasing him. 

**Sonny fact #5** : he had talent in those fingers that Barba couldn’t even come close to matching. 

On more than one occasion, he had come solely by Carisi’s fingers inside him, long and slender, stroking him from the inside out until he climaxed in a writhing heap. 

Barba showed his appreciation by brushing his mouth over Sonny’s knuckles, running his partner’s thumb over his tacky lips and sucking it in the corner of his mouth. He could feel his cock throbbing slickly against the sheets and rolled his hips to get some relief. 

Yet he couldn’t stop his gaze from going back to those dimples decorating Sonny’s cock. Rafael couldn’t unsee them now and he could feel his curiosity getting the better of him. 

Scooting up he gave it a soft kiss, hiding it amongst the dozen or so he placed along the length of Sonny’s dick. Rafael purposely varied the pressure, from butterfly light to a hint of teeth that made Sonny’s entire body twitch. 

It was under the guise of one of those kisses that Rafael took the chance to flick his tongue over the indentation. Once, twice, intensifying the soft taste of musk and clean skin. 

It was then he felt it. 

A small, but still perceptible shiver, running through Sonny’s body. Curling his tongue against the roof of his mouth, Barba moved to the other indent and repeated the same action. He felt a more potent twinge of lust when he heard a noticeable tell-tale hitch in Sonny’s breathing. 

“Keep doing that Rafi, it feels amazing,” Sonny groaned, one hand anchored on Rafael’s shoulder, the other now flung across the bed, clenching and unclenching the pillow. 

So Sonny was definitely more sensitive around those spots, his body almost folding in half the minute Rafael upped the pressure. By now Barba was definitely intrigued, but Sonny also looked like he was about to lose it any minute now, the taste of him much heavier now in the older man’s mouth. 

“Fuck, I’m coming baby, I’m coming,” Sonny said, the words tumbling haphazardly out of his throat as his cock stiffened and spurted white all over Barba’s lips and chin, a few drops landing inside his mouth. 

Barba lightly ran his nails down the inside of Sonny’s thighs, sensitising them as the detective came down from his high. Wordlessly Rafael brought Sonny’s hand to his cock and nudged it against his palm before the tremors even stopped. 

Grinning at Rafael’s silent request, Sonny cupped his lover’s ass and brought him closer so that he was eye-level with his cock, the warmth of his hand on Rafael’s neglected dick a jarring sizzle in contrasts. 

“Come on Rafi, come all over my face. You like that don’t you?” Sonny asked in a faux coquettish tone that did not match the wicked glint in his eye. He pillowed his head on Rafael’s wonderfully thick thigh, rubbing his cheek against the wire-silk skin as he jerked his lover in rough strokes. 

“Fuck,” Rafael cursed under his breath as his hips faltered and he was painting Sonny’s face in translucent streaks, catching him on his cheekbones and finishing all over that sin of a mouth of his. 

Sonny didn’t even wait before pulling Rafael down to kiss him, a kiss that still carried an element of hunger but with a more muted heat. Normally Barba wasn’t crazy about the taste of cum, but he was sufficiently distracted enough for it to not really register. 

Damn, what were those markings on Sonny’s dick? 

He would ask him, maybe not now while covered in his spunk and drunk on afterglow. Rafael would go shower first, and then he would ask him. 

***

 **Sonny fact #47** : he has a cock piercing. 

“You? Dominick Carisi Jr.? Catholic altar boy, have a cock piercing?”

Carisi looked up from where he was answering a message to answer Barba’s questioning look with a tentative smile and a slightly sheepish shrug of the shoulders.

“I mean, it’s nothing really Rafi,” Sonny said, tossing his phone aside so he could stretch his hands above his head. The gesture elongated his torso even further, pulling up the elastic of his navy blue boxer shorts. He winced when the flat of his heel hit the footboard, reminding him again that Barba’s bed was not built for someone of his dimensions. 

“It is not nothing Sonny. It is the sort of thing you do mention to someone who has been sucking your cock for the past six months,” Rafael said petulantly. A little more petulantly than the situation actually called for Sonny thought. 

At first he wanted to respond with something a bit sharper, but he found it hard to be that annoyed with Rafael when he looked this relaxed. 

Lying at the foot of his bed wrapped in an emerald green silk dressing gown, the velvet quilted collar and gauntlet cuffs giving him the feel of being warm and inviting. His shower damp dark hair that was just starting to get threaded through with silver barely brushing the tops of his ears. 

Pushing himself up, Sonny crawled across the bed so he could bury his face in the plushness of Rafael’s shawl collar, so he could fill his nose with the smell of Sicilian lemon and bergamot. He rubbed his nose at the pressure point located just under the curve of Rafael’s jaw, which instantly made the tension evaporate. 

“Sonny…” 

Sonny never thought that the sound of his name would ever give him shivers. But Rafael never wasted his words, never wasted a look, so there was something so deliberate being said there that he had never felt before. 

“When we first started going out, I did tell you that we would find out more about each other,” Sonny said, trying to lighten the mood by lacing their fingers together. 

Yes, and that was the problem. But Barba wasn’t sure whether he really wanted to tell Carisi why because quite frankly it was more than a little petty, even for him. 

However, as the silence stretched between them while Barba tried to come up with an acceptable answer in his head, he felt Sonny lean heavier into him. A weight that grew more pronounced with every minute that ticked by. 

“Does it bother you?” 

Barba’s shoulders stiffened, ice nails suddenly digging in his skin. That voice, Barba had never heard Sonny sound so quiet before and it set off a real spark of worry through him. 

“No Sonny it doesn’t,” Rafael replied, dropping a kiss on his lover’s forehead as a way of reassuring him. He buried his lips in the silver hair at the temple, murmuring nothingness until he felt the detective’s body become lighter. 

“You were right the first time, it was nothing,” Barba said, rubbing his thumb over the top of Sonny’s hand. Concessions, ones without asterisks, were extremely rare from Barba, which is why it made it easier to accept. 

The truth was, this little fact about Sonny put them almost on even footing. 

And that bothered Barba more than he was willing to admit. 

Among the many aspects that made up their relationship, one very pronounced cornerstone was this element of competition between them. It hadn’t mattered what form their relationship had taken; romantic, professional or that half-awkward dance around each other at the beginning as they tried to suss out their feelings. It also had nothing to do with any stereotypical need to be the alpha male or any bullshit like that. 

No, their antagonism always had one purpose, to make the other one better. 

And Barba had always liked being in pole position. He wasn’t open-hearted as Sonny, and the relationship was still so new that giving it all up at this stage felt alien. 

Who knows, maybe one day Sonny would realise that he didn’t like everything about him. 

So far though, every little quirk and characteristic had been met with genuine joy, and maybe a little surprise. It was as if Sonny was just happy to find out everything about Rafael no matter how minute, just so that it allowed him access to a side of the ADA that nobody else had. 

Like **Rafael fact #4** : he liked video games. 

Sonny found that out the first time he had slept over at Rafael’s place, the first time he had cooked for him. His mom’s secret recipe soup that had been left to go cold overnight, but still tasted pretty good in the morning. 

He had been taking the trash out when he noticed a triple-tiered black monster under Barba’s TV, glowing a faint menacing orange. Trust the older man to go for a PS4 Pro, the sleeker design fitting the aesthetics of his apartment much better, although he couldn’t have needed that much firepower. 

“It was on sale,” Barba had said a little defensively when Sonny had asked him about it. Sentiment that was a bit precious coming from a man who owned a drawer full of silk Tom Ford pocket squares. 

But Sonny got it, everyone needed a coping mechanism and for his lover it was good whisky and Uncharted. 

Plus it had become one of Sonny’s favourite forms of foreplay, trying to distract Rafael when he was deep into a game. Like last night when Sonny had come by after a work dinner only to find Barba trying to get Nathan Drake to stealth kill what seemed like a hundred mercenaries. 

To his credit Rafael had kept on playing even when Sonny snuck a hand under his shirt to lightly scratch his belly and nuzzle the nape of his neck. It took Sonny dropping to his knees and tugging at his zip so that he could lick him through his underwear for Rafael to finally give up. 

Rafael had punished Sonny though by making him lie flat on the floor so that he could give him a rim job. 

“So what is the story behind it then?” Rafael asked, playing with Sonny’s hair as the younger man used his upper forearm as a pillow. Sonny had a major obsession with Rafael’s tattoo that took up most of the real estate under his right arm, which made that spot by default the detective’s favourite place to rest his head. 

Sonny shrugged. 

“No story really. I mean, we all go through that phase when we feel like rebelling right? Especially since my parents were dead set against any kind of body modification, and this seemed easier to hide than a tattoo. Also, I read an embarrassing number of articles about how it would increase your pleasure.” 

Sonny snorted the same time Rafael did and the two of them shared the laugh, crystalline and intimate on the lips, contained as it were in the negative space between them. 

“Of course when I finally did it, it took so long to heal that I was practically celibate,” Sonny said self-depricatingly. 

“Why did you take it out then after all that effort?” Barba asked in casual curiosity. 

It was like a switch or a flick of the flint of a lighter. 

“Some people I slept with didn’t really like it. Called it a little grotesque. And it was that reaction that I go more often than not so it was just easier to take it out,” Sonny answered with a careless lift of his shoulders that was anything but careless. 

Detective Sonny Carisi these days may have overcome a lot of his shortcomings, replacing his brittle brusqueness with earnest empathy, skilled by now at getting even the most jittery of witnesses to talk to him, to trust him. 

But occasionally Rafael would get glimpses, snatches of the insecure kid he used to be, trying his hardest to fit in. It would be out of the corner of his eye almost, like ghosts in an old house. 

Rafael felt something bubble in his throat, an unfamiliar mix of protectiveness and irrational anger. It explained why he had such a visceral reaction to Sonny’s shift in tone earlier, because it stemmed from something that was buried under confidence and tailored clothes. 

**Sonny and Rafael fact #12 and #18** : they both fought like hell every day to be accepted. 

“Idiots don’t know what they are missing,” Rafael scoffed. “Fucking prudes.” 

The comment, it was dismissive but it was in no way shape or form flippant. Sonny knew what Rafael was doing, his fingers digging and moulding whatever embarrassment Sonny had felt earlier so that it became something else entirely. But he also knew better than to thank the ADA or point it out. 

That little fact Sonny had always known about Rafael right from the beginning. 

“If the piercing is still there, you should put it back in. I definitely wouldn’t complain,” Rafael said, dropping his voice and pressing his hand against Sonny’s stomach, the gesture not shy in its intent. 

Sonny responded with a crooked grin and a kiss to the bridge of Rafael’s nose. 

“I would definitely need new jewellery though, and I would need to see how much of it has closed up. Safest bet would be to go to a piercer, and mine moved like half-way across the country to find himself.” 

Sonny frowned.

“Or take ayahuasca, I forget.” 

“You need a piercer?” Rafael said, propping himself up on his elbows. “You could always go down to my place down in Hell’s Kitchen.” 

“The one run by your ex?” Sonny asked, a wary note entering his voice as he unconsciously added an inch of space between the two of them. “Are you sure that is such a good idea?” 

Rafael raised an eyebrow. 

“Sonny, you would want an experienced piercer to look at it and Michael only hires the best. The man has standards even I think are excessive.” 

**Rafael fact #34** : the name of the man that gave Barba his tattoo was Michael. 

**Rafael fact #1** : The person that had given him that tattoo had been Barba’s first male lover. 

“I didn’t realise that the both of you still talked on a regular basis,” Sonny said evenly, but he couldn’t stop himself from playing with the cuffs on Rafael’s nightgown. He knew, he just _knew_ it was too early to act jealous over past lovers. 

Rafael’s eyes narrowed as he noticed the flit of a dark shadow cross Sonny’s expressive face. 

“Occasionally, but Sonny you know that what Michael and I had was barely a relationship and that was literally decades ago. He is a genuinely nice guy and like I said, professional to an absurd degree.”

Rafael may have thought that he had been doing a good job selling the idea to Sonny, but it only managed to assuage only a part of his doubts. 

“Also I think it is his guy that deals with the more complicated piercings, so it won’t be him looking at you,” Rafael said. 

“It won’t?” 

“God no, even I think that would be weird,” Rafael gave a soft chuckle, which did a better job of settling Sonny’s nerves. 

“Well if that’s the case…” Sonny looked up as he trailed off, a glimmer of confidence back in his eyes. 

Rafael bit the inside of his lip as he contemplated telling Sonny something that had been on his mind for quite some time. Something he had been wanting to do for a while. But maybe it would be enough of a sweetener for his lover. 

“Tell you what, let’s do a trade off. You get a new piece of jewellery for your penis piercing and I will pierce a nipple.” 

Rafael smirked confidently as Sonny’s mouth fell open in mild surprise. 

“You would do that?” Sonny said, squeezing Rafael’s hand as he tried to stop the faintest of quiver of excitement from underpinning his words. 

Rafael knew that Sonny had a very obvious fondness for his chest, burying his face in the hollow of his breastbone whenever he was the one on top, fucking him senseless. It was not unusual these days for the ADA to wake up with a litany of love bites around his nipples and at the curve of his pectorals. 

“How is next Saturday for you?” Rafael asked, reaching for his phone. He started typing furiously the minute Sonny nodded, picking a morning slot so that there would be fewer people in the shop. 

“Done,” Rafael said, tossing his phone on the nightstand. “Shall we get some sleep?” 

But even as he said that, Sonny watched Rafael deliberately pull at the collar of his gown, exposing his chest with a knowing look in his eye. A look Sonny mirrored just before he dived in. 

***

Nervous. 

Sonny was nervous. 

Which was frankly _ridiculous_. 

“What is wrong with me?” He muttered to himself as he jogged up the stairs of the subway and headed in the direction of Hell’s Kitchen. He had needed to drop by the precinct before he could officially start his weekend, almost tripping over Fin as he made his escape before Olivia could pull him into something. 

“Hot date?” Fin had teased as Carisi chased the lift. 

“Very, too much to handle sometimes,” Carisi answered, hands on his hips as he fought the urge to play with the badge clipped to his belt. 

He had no idea where his anxiety was coming from, his feet seemingly not touching the pavement as he quickened his steps so that he could burn off the static electricity radiating from him. 

Maybe it was anticipation, or the full realisation of what he was about to do dawning on him. Meeting your significant other’s parents was a big step in a relationship, but Sonny was more unsure as to where meeting your partner’s ex sat on that scale. 

Rafael however, certainly didn’t look affected. He had just come from the office too and was calmly milling about on the sidewalk letting the wind lift the edges of his trench coat and tousle his hair. 

**Sonny fact #19** : windswept Rafael never failed to make him smile. 

“Hey Rafi, sorry I am late,” Sonny said, skidding to a stop in front of the gigantic plate glass window. After giving him a brief kiss, Sonny looked up at the very punk frontage and felt a thump against his chest as his heart rate came down. 

_Under Your Skin_. 

“It’s okay Sonny, you are right on time. Let’s go in.” 

Sonny hadn’t realised that he had been actively controlling his breathing until he felt the ache in his ribcage. But the tightness loosened when Rafael greeted a slender man sitting in a padded black chair closest to the door. 

Sonny had purposefully not asked Barba if he had any pictures of Michael, convincing himself that there was really no need. It wasn’t as if Sonny was going to have to pick him out in a line-up or anything. 

But he wouldn’t lie and deny that he was the tiniest bit relieved that the tattoo artist looked exactly like how he had pictured him in his head. A touch on the skinny side with a shaved head, heavily tattooed around his neck with a greying goatee. His smile was friendly, if a bit store-bought, peeking out from beneath the brim of his pageboy cap.

“Hello Rafael, it has been a while,” the man said, standing up to shake Barba’s hand. 

“Hi Patrick, yes it has been. Is Michael around? I booked an appointment with him.” 

Sonny blinked. Did Rafael just say Patrick? 

“Rafey!” 

All three men turned as a voice boomed through the shop, strong and forceful enough to rattle the windows like a hurricane.

And Sonny felt the bottom of his stomach fall out. 

Only to immediately feel it lurch and twist into something hot as the man wrapped Rafael in a bear hug. To make matters worse, Rafael didn’t seem to hesitate before giving his ex a squeeze back. 

“Michael, it’s good to see you again,” Rafael said, pulling back with a smile on his lips. “I would like you to meet Detective Dominick Carisi Jr.” 

“Call me Sonny,” Carisi said automatically, reaching for the tattoo artist’s hand. 

“Nice to meet you Sonny,” Michael responded, his deep blue eyes warm and fathomless even as his large hand encased Sonny’s in a clasp of iron. 

He was tall, a whole head taller than Sonny in black laced combat boots. Broad, but not like a bodybuilder, more like a contact athlete capable of crossing a football field in three large strides. His thin black tank top showing off his sculpted shoulders that were covered in Maori tattoos spanning the entire length of his chest, following and highlighting the cut V of his stomach. 

He was _gorgeous_. 

That was Sonny’s first thought. 

Immediately followed by a second one. 

_This_ was the man Barba had decided was not worth pursuing a relationship with?

“Welcome to my shop,” he said with theatrical modesty, accompanied by a flourished sweep of his hands. He had a very marked accent that Sonny could not place, but all it did was amplify the obvious charm of his already large personality.

“Thank you,” Sonny replied, his head cocked to the side as all his cop instincts enforced themselves like guardrails. “You are not from here are you?” 

“No I am not,” Michael replied with a nod of his head. 

“Was born in New Zealand, Auckland actually. But I moved here when I was 16, after I busted my hamstring playing for the All Blacks. Sorry, New Zealand’s national rugby team,” Michael clarified. 

“I know what the All Blacks are.” 

“Good for you, better than Rafey for sure. He thought it was some kind of lawyer’s association,” Michael chuckled. That Kiwi accent wrapped itself almost completely around Barba’s name, elongating the syllables so what came out sounded like a very sexy “ _Rah-faye_ ”.

“Not all of us grew up to be athletes,” Barba said a little shortly. But Michael simply laughed and lightly punched the ADA on the shoulder. 

Carisi crossed his arms a little tighter, if he tried anything like that Barba would have had his balls on a plate faster than he could blink. 

“So how did you end up here then?” Carisi asked, still trying to keep things light, fighting his natural urge to compile a checklist on the man. He had just met him after all. 

“Dad’s American so moving here made sense after I torpedoed my rugby career. Somehow I ended up on a scholarship to Harvard where I met Rafey here,” Michael said, before turning the full force of his smile onto Barba. 

Sonny frowned, was the man actually _twinkling_? From the green sparkle in his pierced right brow to the highlights bouncing off the waves of his chestnut hair, the man seemed to be glowing like some kind of goddamn romcom hero. The type you knew the girl would fall for the minute he strode into frame. 

No, Sonny mentally shook his head, it had to be the lighting. 

“More like you were failing classes rather than taking them,” Barba said drily. “Who asked you to take the toughest Economics degree they offered?” 

Michael shrugged. 

“You know me, always a sucker for punishment,” he answered with a wink. 

It was small talk, that is all it was Sonny told himself. But he could not shake the feeling of being a third wheel. It was as if he were still standing on the pavement outside, watching all of this through the glass. 

How come Rafael hadn’t realised how quiet Sonny had become? 

“Sorry Michael, I’ve got a client coming later. Who is it I am supposed to be looking at?” Patrick suddenly interjected from across the shop as he pulled on a pair of black surgical gloves. 

“Oh right, right, sorry Patrick. Got distracted,” Michael said apologetically, raking a hand through his hair. “So you will deal with Sonny first and then Rafey is getting his...right nipple pierced? Am I correct?” 

“You aren’t doing my piercing Michael? Surely that would be faster,” Rafael said, ever the practical one. But because his back was to Carisi, he did not notice how the detective’s body suddenly stiffened. 

“You sure that would be okay?” Michael said slowly, almost carefully as he looked past Rafael to see what Sonny’s reaction would be like. In response, Sonny simply shot him back a smile, wide enough to camouflage the fact that he was gritting his back molars. 

No, Sonny was not that crazy about his lover’s ex touching him. 

**Sonny fact #25** : he had a jealous streak that he could hide really well. 

“Why wouldn’t it be?” Rafael’s confusion sounded genuine and that just rankled Sonny even more. 

“Okay then Sonny you follow Patrick and I will prep Rafael,” Michael suddenly switched into professional mode, pulling back his hair in a low ponytail. 

“This way.” Patrick gestured to the back. Although his feet suddenly felt like lead, Sonny followed while keeping Rafael in the corner of his eye as he followed Michael’s directions. 

The thing was, Sonny wasn’t really sure what it was that was unsettling him. Michael was good-looking, sure, but Sonny wasn’t so insecure in his looks that it rattled him. 

No, it was because Michael was a living and breathing reminder that before Sonny, Rafael had shared a life with someone. A relationship stitched together when feelings were still new and boundaries had yet to be set in stone. 

A life that Sonny would never be privy to. 

Luckily Patrick was as professional as Rafael had vouched for. It only took him about ten minutes to assess that Sonny’s piercing was still good and another ten to pick out several pieces of jewellery for him. Sonny didn’t feel like wearing it now so Patrick just packed it up along with some cream to help it along. 

When he stepped out back into the shop, he saw that it was only Michael on the floor, humming under his breath as he cleaned up his station and wiped it down with disinfectant. 

“It’s done?” Sonny asked politely, not wanting to give in to this sudden awkward feeling. 

“Yeah, Rafey is just changing,” Michael smiled, taking his gloves off with a snap and tossing them in the bin. 

Sonny could not help but notice how large the other man’s hands were. Large but clearly strong with thick fingers and calluses at the knuckle from holding a tattoo machine. He flexed his wrist as if to ease an ache, which allowed Sonny a glimpse of elaborate black swirls of script stretching from palm to elbow. 

The detective blinked and looked away. He had been unable to stop his mind from supplying him images of those hands holding Barba down, keeping him in place as he cleaned him, changed him and marked him with metal jewellery. 

Swallowing the sudden bitter taste in his mouth, Carisi tried to distract himself by staring at the extensive assortment of paintings mounted on the walls. The whole shop was done in rough hewn brick covered in high-gloss white paint that looked like cake icing, removing the sharp edges and giving the whole place an unnatural gleam. 

However, the almost afterthought ID was actually the perfect backdrop to display the large canvases boldly showcasing multiple styles of art. Abstract, graffiti and even something that looked like velvet and textured crayon. 

But mixed in with it all, cutting through the chaos and colour, were straightforward portraits done simply in black charcoal. Carisi was no art expert but even he could appreciate how exquisite they were, the obvious talent that was on display. 

A kid with his laces untied sitting on a park bench with the Empire State in the background. A bare breasted woman lying on top of a pile of silk, her body twisted in the shape of an angular S. A close up of a man with cheekbones of glass framed by hair that looked like ribbons of ink, hands covered in paper mache. 

Carisi drew a breath when he reached the largest of the portraits, taking up half a wall at the very back of the shop. 

It was of a man’s back, naked and bare all the way down to the bunched sheets around the waist, his head partly turned revealing just a third of his profile. A blind man could see that this picture was different, the colour and depth of the strokes giving the feeling that the subject was being caressed, capturing every single tiny detail. 

And those expressive eyes, there was no mistaking those eyes. 

Regret. Loss. Sonny could see it all from just a glance. 

“I suppose it is not surprising that you would be drawn to that,” Michael said, standing next to Sonny and abruptly invading his space without warning. 

“You drew that?” 

“Yes I did. It is one of my favourite pieces.” Michael looked up at the painting with his hands on his hips, not even bothering to hide the ache in his voice. “I’ve never been able to replicate it.” 

A pause, pregnant with intention. 

“Why?” Sonny asked quietly, knowing that he wouldn’t like the answer. 

“Because I haven’t felt that way in a long time,” Michael replied just as quietly. 

“Ready to go Sonny?” Rafael came out of the dressing room, gingerly shrugging on his coat. It pained Sonny a little to see hints of anguish etched in the microexpressions on the ADA’s face. 

“Yeah, how much do I owe?” Sonny reached for his wallet only to have Michael wave it off. 

“No charge, I insist,” Michael said firmly, hands up as if to fend off Sonny’s objections. “Just recommend me to any of your buddies and we are good.” 

Biting back his insistence, Sonny extended his hand which Michael accepted. But when their eyes met, Sonny startled at the clear challenge there. It was fleeting and gone when he blinked, but it had been as sharp as the crack of a whip. 

Sonny abruptly dropped the other man’s hand when he realised that he was being put on notice. Whether as a warning or a promise, the detective couldn't be sure. 

All he knew was that it made the latent anger that he had been feeling all morning bubble up dangerously close to the surface. 

Barba though seemed oblivious to the moment of tension hanging in the air between his former and current lover, evidenced by him leaning over to give Michael a quick hug and a promise that he would call. 

Thankfully Barba didn’t dawdle because Sonny couldn’t wait to leave, for once grateful for the chill of New York’s temperamental weather hitting him in the face.

“Uber?” Sonny asked, hunching his shoulders as a blast of cold wind whipped through his hair and grazed his cheeks. 

Barba shook his head as he wrapped his striped scarf around his neck. 

“Let’s walk through the park, it is only a few blocks to my place.” 

It wasn’t really, but Sonny didn’t argue. He wouldn’t turn down the chance to slowly walk off some of what he was feeling at the moment. But unlike earlier where it was all nerves and anticipation, all he felt now as doubt and trepidation. 

Rafael wasn’t stupid, in fact he was extremely astute, good at picking up dips and deviations. Part of the job after all. 

Hence why Sonny wasn’t surprised when Rafael suddenly spoke up when they were halfway through the park, completely alone with not another soul in sight. 

“You are awfully quiet Sonny, that is very unlike you.” 

Even though he had been anticipating it, Sonny found that he didn’t want to answer Rafael just yet. Instead he concentrated on the crunch of gravel under his feet, the dank herbaceous smell of the autumn foliage as he sorted out his thoughts, mentally running his fingers through them like files in a cabinet. 

“I suppose I was a bit taken aback by Michael. He seems like quite an amazing guy,” Sonny said, sticking his hands in his pockets as he went with something neutral, choosing his words with the deliberateness of a man who wasn’t sure how deep the drop really was. 

Sonny wanted to say more, he wanted to share more. But he didn’t feel encouraged when Rafael let out a mildly exasperated huff. 

“Not this again Sonny, don’t tell me you feel threatened by him. I don’t think he is even my type anymore,” Barba said with a sigh, his tone resigned and dismissive. 

“You sure about that?” 

In the back of his mind, a part of Rafael registered that this had the potential to turn into a serious situation. But he knew himself, knew that he wasn’t in the right frame of mind to be having this kind of conversation, tired from a stressful week at work and mildly in pain with every rub of his shirt. 

Sometimes it didn’t matter if you loved the other person or that they were important to you. If you weren’t ready to face it, you just weren’t ready. 

So Barba fell back on what he did best. On what _they_ did best. 

“Sonny come on. It is okay if you aren’t muscled. Or tattooed. Or broad shouldered with thighs powerful enough to choke a bear.” 

Sonny couldn’t help but give a dry chuckle. 

“Barba, you’re drooling,” Sonny said sardonically, accepting the offer for a chance of a moment of relief from the current heavy atmosphere threatening to overwhelm them. 

“Sonny…” 

There it was, his name again. Sonny wondered if he would ever stop having an instinctive reaction to it. 

Rafael had stopped walking now and had turned his body to fully face Sonny. 

“You have nothing to worry about. The two of you are in no way similar. You are nothing like him, and I am okay with that. I am with you now after all, not him.” 

Rafael thought he was being reassuring enough, thinking that it would be all that Sonny needed to hear. He felt confident enough to turn his back on the detective, obviously feeling like he had given the last word on the subject. 

But he had turned so quickly that he didn’t catch the turn of Sonny’s expression, the darkness swirling inside him like eddies of smoke, filling his lungs and making his heart pound. 

How was it that Barba, who never wasted his words, managed to choose the perfect words that made Sonny feel like shit? 

The ADA had taken several steps before he realised that he could no longer feel Sonny’s presence behind him. Turning back, Barba’s pulse tripped when he saw Sonny standing completely still and staring at his feet. 

“Sonny? What’s wrong?” 

“What do you mean you are ‘okay’ with that? Am I like the runner-up or something?” Sonny clenched his hands into fists as he tried to get a handle on his anger. 

“What the hell are you on about Carisi?” Barba asked, confusion rapidly giving way to heated annoyance. 

“He is a _friend_ Sonny!” 

“He has a portrait of you! Hanging in his shop, taking up a whole fucking wall! You don’t do that for someone you ‘barely’ had a relationship with, as you put it,” Sonny raised his voice, the accusation coming out almost like a hiss, knocking Barba back a step. 

“Why can’t you see it Rafael? He clearly wants you back.” 

“Sonny, he has drawings of a lot of people. Do you realise how unreasonable you sound?” Rafael fired back. 

“I don’t think I am the unreasonable one here Barba,” Sonny let out a humourless laugh. 

Running his hand through his hair, Sonny paced in front of the ADA who by now could feel his anger creep up from under his collar like a fever. He opened his mouth to speak only to have Sonny beat him to it. 

“Did you sleep with him?” 

And just like that, Sonny had managed to render Rafael speechless. 

“What do you mean?” Rafael asked, his voice eerily calm. 

“When you got your tattoo, did you sleep with him? You told me that you two reconnected when you did but you never answered me straight. It is the one thing you’ve never told me.” 

Sonny had stopped his pacing now and was looking Rafael straight in the eye, wondering whether he had ever heard New York go this quiet. 

Rafael’s eyes narrowed and Sonny felt it go through him like a bullet. 

“Because I don’t fuck and tell Carisi. Whatever Michael and I shared, yes it was short and yes it was years ago but it is still _ours_. We don’t have to know everything about each other,” Barba snapped. 

Sonny gave a hollow laugh. 

“So why are we bothering then with this game? This finding things out about each other?” 

Sonny took a step forward. Barba didn’t even flinch. 

“I don’t care if the two of you slept together, but it is _bullshit_ that all the lighthearted stuff is fine but that it is a whole other ball game when it comes to something more serious.” 

**Rafael fact #36** : he _hated_ ultimatums. 

“We are going nowhere with this Sonny,” Rafael said through clenched teeth. “I am going to go home, alone. Come talk to me when you’ve cooled down.” 

Rafael drew himself to his full height and felt the sharper edge of his anger when Sonny didn’t back down. 

“Or when you’ve grown up. Whichever you decide to do first.” 

With that Rafael turned on his heel and walked away, leaving Sonny standing alone in the middle of the park.


	2. ~Part II~

***

_Though my past has left me bruised_  
_I ain’t hiding from the truth_  
_When the truth won’t let me lie right next to you_

***

 **Sonny fact #27** : he had a stubborn side that could equal Barba’s. 

Three weeks

Three, coming on to four. 

Three weeks and the two of them hadn’t spoken about what happened in the park. When Barba had stalked away, his patience hitting the ceiling of his limits. Where Carisi had told him in not so many words that he didn’t trust him. 

And that, Barba realised later, was what had set him off more than anything. He so rarely let anyone get close to him that to have Carisi become unnerved so easily after meeting Michael, frustrated him. Especially since he had worked so hard to reassure him.

Did Carisi think Barba did that for just anyone? 

Doesn’t matter, Barba had told himself repeatedly, the thought enforced by the contents of his liquor cabinet. He was also convinced himself that it was better he found out now rather than later, when he was in too deep. 

Another comfort was that at work, their orbits had not really changed. They still discussed cases with the squad, offered solutions, debated opinions. Only the most observant would have picked up that Carisi looked away now when Barba spoke, preferring instead to focus on his notebook.

But it was fine, Barba was fine. 

So why did he hold this constant urgent to catch Carisi by the sleeve? 

Just so he would turn around and look at him. 

If just so that Barba could argue with him. 

“Everything okay Rafa?” 

Rafael blinked as the concern in Olivia’s voice filtered through his thoughts. He hadn’t even realised that he had fallen silent for an abnormal length of time. But he didn’t know that it had been the visible slant of worry to his mouth that had really tipped her off. 

“Yeah I am Liv. Sorry, issues at the office keeping me preoccupied,” Barba answered, picking up his knife and fork so that he could cut into his steak. It was his once-a-month treat, simple salt-and-pepper seared, medium-rare because anything else would be an abomination, accompanied by grilled vegetables and buttery mash sprinkled with spring onions. 

But somehow the flavour seemed a bit off this time, another thing Barba decided to resentfully pin on Carisi being an unreasonable jerk. 

“Is that really all?” Olivia asked after the briefest of pauses, meaningfully tapping her fingernail on the stem of her wine glass. 

Barba inwardly cursed, one of the downsides of having a detective as one of your best friends meant that they had an annoying habit of sensing when smoke was being blown in their face. 

“What do you mean?” Barba said stiffly, still trying to dig himself out of the hole he had unexpectedly been dropped in. He shook out his napkin with a snap before refolding it on his lap as he tried to regroup. 

“Well, there is the fact that this is the first time we’ve had dinner in six? Maybe seven months?” Olivia said taking a sip of her Pinot, the incandescent light from the candles softening the teasing in her brown eyes. 

Barba started. Had he been spending that much time with Sonny? 

“You must be mistaken Liv,” Rafael responded, the lawyer in him flaring up. “What about that time we went to that Spanish place, the one with that really good paella?” 

“The one we went to in January?” Olivia answered with a raised eyebrow. 

She had him there. 

“Well then what about… I mean there was...” Barba started only to stop when he came up painfully short. He leaned back into his chair as remorse sliced through him. 

“I am sorry Liv,” Barba apologised, and he was. For all their clashes, Liv was one of the very few people in his life that he trusted without question. And more than that, he hated, _hated_ with a passion, people that ignored their friends the moment they were paired up. 

“Hey, hey stop beating yourself up Rafa,” Olivia responded, giving his forearm a comforting squeeze. “I don’t really mind. Plus, you’ve been by yourself for so long that I am glad you apparently found someone that makes you happy.” 

“What makes you think that?” Barba asked, still trying to dodge, still trying to not give the entire game away. 

Olivia scrunched her nose slightly as if considering Barba’s question, her fork tracing a figure eight on her plate, leaving faint ribbons of sauce. 

“You’ve been a bit different these past few months,” she said, finally able to put her finger on it. “I mean, it’s not as if you’ve gained the patience of a saint or anything, but you’ve looked a lot less tired, even though your hours seemed to have gotten longer.” 

“Oh,” Barba answered, looking down as he swirled the ball of crystal in his glass, letting it bounce off the walls with a soft _clink_. He didn’t say anything more, but Olivia knew that this was his way of confirming to her that she was basically right. 

“So, tell me about them,” she said with gentle curiosity. 

This though, this part was tricky. This was the part that Rafael had been dreading ever since he had decided to give a relationship with Carisi a try. 

He could hardly say, “The person I have been busy boning is your newest detective, how is he by the way not that I care because he is a stubborn asshole.” 

“To be frank Liv, I don’t know if he is still around,” Barba said honestly. “We sort of had a fight and we haven’t spoken in a while, so I have been wondering whether it is over.” 

“I am sure it isn’t,” Olivia said briskly, draining her glass dry before refilling it from the bottle that had been sitting on the table. Barba felt a small flare of annoyance at her candour. 

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because it is you Rafa,” Olivia responded, her tone kind. “I am pretty sure no man gets into a relationship with you without knowing what he is getting into. And I mean that in the best possible way.” 

Sometimes Barba didn’t know how she did it. With a few carefully chosen words, Olivia had managed to navigate every obstacle Barba had put in her path. 

“So, what is he like?” She asked when she saw him relax, placing her chin on her palm. 

It did make Barba think. Why did he say yes to Carisi’s fumbling attempts at getting to know him? Was it simple lust? An uncomplicated desire for a man ten years younger, who often spoke to him in a mixture of awe, sass and humour. Or was it because he did all that with no agenda behind it? 

Barba wished he knew. 

“He is kind,” Rafael said, and felt an immediate lightness spread across his chest, like sunbeams on a warm afternoon. “A little immature when it comes to some things, prone to losing his temper when that happens. But he is smart, ambitious, a little overeager, could stand to be taken down a peg. Devoted.” 

“I find it interesting that you haven’t once mentioned what he looks like.” 

Barba smiled inwardly, Olivia was outright probing now. It was as if Barba’s description had plucked a string of familiarity within her, and she was looking for confirmation.

“He’s gorgeous,” Barba replied simply, but with enough emphasis in the syllables to let Liv know that he was putting a full-stop on this conversation. He would tell her, but it wasn’t just his decision to make anymore. 

“Is he worth it?” Olivia asked, the pause a bit longer now, more contemplative. 

Barba let out a breath, leadened with his doubts. 

“I don’t know.” 

Olivia nodded knowingly, almost as if she had expected Barba to answer that way. 

“I know our line of work makes it hard to trust anyone, but you know me, I always have faith. There are some good ones out there,” she finished, looking off to the side. It was her own way of ending the conversation. 

It made Barba wonder what it was she saw in the glare of the light fractals. Was it dark hair and hazel eyes? Someone with circular scars carved into his chest, with wrists clapped in irons forged from past demons? Or was it the straight back of someone who always strived to do the right thing after he was wronged, with silver hair shorn down to the skull. 

For the longest time Barba saw nothing in his introspective moments. But recently it had been sunlight dappling through the leaves, heavy with fat water droplets from a brief afternoon shower.

That feeling. 

Barba suddenly felt a little sanguine on the future of his relationship with Carisi. But the ADA was meticulous to a fault, and felt that he needed someone else’s point of view on all this. 

And he knew who exactly to call. 

***

Sonny was lonely. 

It was an odd state for the detective to be in. You didn’t need to have spent any more than half an hour with Carisi to know that he liked people. He liked spending time with groups of people, whether it was his colleagues or his classmates. Crowds suited his gregarious nature and fed his need to be part of something. 

So how was it that he felt lonely at the oddest moments? 

Sitting at his desk, filing paperwork, listening to Amanda complain about bad dates and Fin trying his hardest to not act like a protective big brother. Or with his family, arguing over recipes and life choices, his sisters jockeying for the position of being the one to give his dad the most grey hair. 

It would hit him out of the blue, like a blow to the solar plexus. 

The rational part of Sonny knew that it was natural. After six months of practically living out of each other's pockets, the abrupt halt to his and Barba’s interactions would be jarring. 

Sonny was lonely. 

How was it possible in six months for your life to completely change? From living your life day-to-day to suddenly feeling a very noticeable absence. For a man Sonny had never ever considered a potential partner to begin with. 

He admired him, sure. Envied his position and his knowledge. But how was it he had walked into this simply wanting to know more, only to walk out with something more complex? 

Until Sonny had woken up in his bed and realised that he had been unconsciously looking his entire life for someone like Barba. 

Fin had even said as much a number of months ago in the bullpen. Carisi had been mapping out the legal avenues for a case they were working, wanting to hand Barba something so bulletproof that Clark Kent would have been envious. 

“Jeez Carisi, you and that legal degree of yours. Keep this up and the next person you date would have to be someone like Barba for them to hold your interest,” Fin had remarked, in that dry tone of his that always seemed to imply that he knew something more. 

“Someone _like_ Barba right?” Olivia had quickly interjected, giving Carisi a pointed look over the top of her glasses. 

“Yeah, yeah Lieu, _like_ Barba,” Sonny had responded, hands up in the air in a gesture of innocence. Dragged into a joke that he had no part in setting up. 

Of course not Barba himself. Don’t be ridiculous. 

_Like_ Barba. 

He liked Barba. 

He was in love with Rafael. 

Something he would never tell him full on because it was simply too early and he didn’t want to send the ADA running for the hills. Or have him respond with any kind of sarky derision. 

It was easier to hide his feelings in hypothetical questions and side remarks, because wasn’t that what they had already been doing?

Carisi also knew when it was necessary to throw up barriers. Barba had always pushed him professionally, why should it be any different just because they had started sleeping together?

It was why Sonny refused to let the whole issue with Michael slide. If he wanted this relationship with Barba to be more, he needed to stand his ground on some things. 

Barba would have probably admired Carisi’s resolve, if he hadn’t been the object of it. 

“I am going to meet Barba for dinner. Hold the fort?” 

Sonny could not stop his ears from perking up as Olivia tossed her coat over her arm, a passing nod to Fin as she walked out. And without realising it, the tight knot that had been sitting in the pit of his stomach loosened. 

Yes, he was anchored to his purpose. Yes, he was right to stand his ground. And yes, he was allowed to feel worried. 

**Rafael fact #15** : he would forget to eat proper meals when he was busy. 

Although Sonny wasn’t really surprised to learn that one. 

There would be some nights where Sonny wouldn’t be able to sleep, where he would find his apartment too stuffy or his bed suddenly too wide, the sheets scratchy and stiff. 

So he would take walks, which would inevitably lead past 1 Hogan Place and almost against his will he would look up, searching for Rafael’s window. It wasn’t hard, it was often the only one that was lit up, no matter how late the hour. 

At first the only urge Sonny would have would be to just keep walking past, his focus on just getting to where he needed to be. But recently that urge had waned, replaced with an itch to just walk up those marble steps. 

The minute he felt that, Sonny knew that it was time for the two of them to talk. 

But Sonny didn’t want to tell Barba ahead of time. Didn’t want Rafael to fall back on his natural urge to build a defense, another point of admiration and frustration for Sonny. Great in court, not so much in relationships.

No, Sonny wanted him at his most honest, where his intentions weren’t opaque, shrouded in his self-defense mechanism. He had been allowed a glimpse of what was behind the curtain and knew that he could never go back. 

Thankfully though, when it came to food Rafael was a creature of habit. 

**Rafael fact #13** : he had breakfast in the same cafe every Saturday morning.

Rafael had taken Sonny there the third time he had slept over. Hipster, but one that had seen better days, with hopelessly old-fashioned glazed tiles that were chipped and caught the soles of his shoes. Usually Sonny was allergic to places like this, but it had only taken Rafael stuffing a pickled heirloom tomato in his mouth to make him swoon. 

“Don’t disappoint me Rafi,” Sonny murmured to himself as he rounded the corner, anticipation skittering across his skin like nervous energy. 

And there he was. 

Sitting at his usual table outside, closest to the sidewalk. It didn’t matter that the weather had turned colder, Barba would simply choose a thicker scarf and upsize his coffee. 

But he wasn’t alone. 

And suddenly Carisi felt it hard to breathe. 

Across from him, in the spot where Sonny usually sat, was an unfamiliar silhouette. But there was no mistaking those broad shoulders beneath the double-breasted wool coat, the seams a tight line down his arms. 

Although he could only see Michael partly from the back, for some reason Sonny zeroed in on his hands that were resting on the table, palms upwards mimicking the open expression of concern across his handsome face, his eyes a deep, borderless sapphire blue. 

He was listening to Rafael speak, his head dipped in a permanent nod as the ADA kept talking. Sonny watched almost in slow-motion as Michael placed his hand on top of Rafael’s in a placating gesture, making Barba’s broad hands look almost delicate in the canopy of his palm, leaning in closer so that they were only inches apart. 

But it wasn’t that which caused Sonny’s step to stagger. 

It was the expression on Rafael’s face. Calm, free from the weariness he habitually carried in the tension of his jaw.

He looked content. 

Sonny needed to get out of there. 

Drawing a short breath, Sonny bit the inside of his cheek as he turned and started to walk away, hoping that the two of them hadn’t seen him. 

“Sonny? Sonny!” 

“Fuck,” Sonny cursed into his scarf when he heard Rafael call out to him. But he didn’t stop, this wasn’t a part of his plan. In his head, he was the one that would be at an advantage because he was the one that was more certain of his feelings. 

Only to have Rafael upend it, as he always did. 

“Sonny! Stop walking away from me,” Barba ordered, his voice louder now, his words a scalding rebuke. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt your date,” Sonny tossed the sarcastic remark over his shoulder, even as his feet traitorously slowed down, his shoes sinking into leaf mulch until he finally came to a complete stop. 

“ _Date_? Sonny, come on, I mean…” 

Sonny clenched his hands into fists by his side when he heard Barba let out an exasperated sound, short and sharp through his nose. 

“You know, this wasn’t the way I wanted to start talking to you again.” 

Sonny’s body stiffened. Were his ears deceiving him or did Barba sound sad? No not sad, regretful, which was even rarer. Rafael shaped his regrets, using them as foundation to make his resolve stronger, not lay them out in the open. 

“Well, I didn’t expect to find my boyfriend holding hands with another man. His ex nonetheless, so I guess we are even,” Sonny answered, more than little curtly, more than a little cruelly, as he finally turned to face Barba. 

He expected to find him a little shamefaced, maybe angry even at being backed in the corner. 

The last thing Sonny expected though was to find Rafael with a determined look in his eyes, drawn up to his full height, handsome in a forest green sweater because he had forgotten to take his coat before chasing after Sonny. 

It wasn’t fair, Sonny thought resentfully. Barba wasn’t playing fair. 

“I would explain myself, but I have a feeling that it wouldn’t do me any good now,” Barba said quietly. 

“So why did you follow me then?” Sonny responded, matching Rafael’s tone. That finally got the ADA to break eye contact, to look off to the side as he fiddled with something in the pocket of his jeans, weighing all the potential answers in his mind. 

“Because I made the mistake of walking away the last time. I didn’t want to make the same mistake this time Dominick.” 

It came out in a soft sigh but Sonny still felt a shock to his system, like static cling on his clothes. 

**Sonny fact #9** : he allowed very few people to call him Dominick. 

Rafael was one of them. Rafael, who knew the complicated relationship he had with his dad’s name, who knew it because of his own contentious relationship with his own father. Rafael only called him that when he was being serious, contrite or authoritarian. 

Sometimes, it was all three. 

“Come to my place this weekend. Any time, day or night, so we can settle this. We shouldn’t be talking about this on the street,” Rafael said low and serious, his gaze back to Carisi’s eye line. 

Sonny huffed disbelievingly. 

“Any time?” Carisi parroted sceptically. “So you would be okay with me showing up early morning or in the middle of the night? Are you actually going to stay in this whole weekend?” 

Rafael shrugged. 

“Yes, but if you don’t come armed with coffee, I probably won’t be as forgiving,” Barba said, offering Sonny a small smile that still had some sharpness to it. But it was enough to pierce the veil of anger that had wrapped itself around Sonny, allowing enough space for him to let out a begrudging chuckle. 

“What if I don’t show?” Sonny challenged, the sting from finding Rafael in that compromising situation earlier still too fresh for him to ignore it completely. 

“Sonny…” 

Barba didn’t need to verbalise it for Sonny to know what he was actually trying to say. 

“ _Please…_ ”

Rafael didn’t need to know how much that got to him. He didn’t need to know that all Sonny wanted to do at that moment was kiss him, forgive him. That if Rafael had pushed it a little more that Sonny would have just gone home with him right then. 

Sonny realised that maybe he wasn’t as soft-hearted as he thought he was. 

Instead he just nodded tersely and left Barba standing there on the sidewalk, his turn now to walk away. 

***

Despite Barba’s open invitation, Sonny didn’t show up at Rafael’s door at one am. 

But he did show up at two. 

And true to his word, Rafael was up and at the door once the bellman had allowed Sonny in. Opened the door and stood back, unsure what to do now that he and Sonny were back in personal space again. 

Even then for Sonny’s part, he didn’t immediately walk through, choosing instead to stay in the corridor for several long minutes, framed by Rafael’s doorway. He looked more disheveled than he did earlier, coat unbuttoned all the way and his silver hair loose and falling against his forehead. 

His eyes were in the shadows though, which meant that Rafael had no idea what he was thinking. Tugging at the collar of his white polo. Rafael ran a hand through his hair as he tasted tension at the back of his tongue. 

Silently, Rafael took a step back so as to allow Sonny to come in when he finally did, toeing off his shoes and stooping to strip his socks. Rafael stared at the top of Sonny’s head, his fingers almost burning with the urge to sink into that silky hair, brush his lips against the crown, something he often did when Sonny was on his knees before him. 

But his face remained impassive. 

Sonny didn’t need to know that for Barba the wait seemed interminable. 

When he finally stood up, Sonny took one step towards the ADA before stopping. Barba was at least glad to see that Sonny looked as uncertain as he did. But he didn’t drop his gaze, here he didn’t need to ask for permission or avert his eyes because it was the professional thing to do. 

He had missed Sonny, and that surprised him. But maybe not as much as he was willing to admit. 

The earlier bitter taste was now mellowed by the presence of heat. Except it wasn’t the sweet heat that he had come to associate with the younger man. But Rafael still knew what it was, as did the detective judging by the deepening grey in his eyes. 

_Anticipation_. Pure and potent, like menthol in the lungs and smoky in the mouth. 

Rafael backed up against his key table, shifting his weight to his hands to hide the slight tremble in his knees. Instead of moving closer, Sonny also stepped back until his back was flush against the wall, his arms crossed across his chest. 

Rafael found himself consciously controlling his breath as he just stared at Sonny, his hands clenching and unclenching. Sonny noticed, looking at the ADA through his blonde lashes, his tongue darting out to wet his lip. 

An exhaled breath was the last thing the both of them heard before they clashed together in a bruising kiss, Sonny practically hauling Rafael up on the balls of his feet by his collar. 

Rafael’s hands fisted in Sonny’s sleeves as he held onto his biceps so as to not get knocked back by the force of the younger man’s kiss. However, that proved pointless as Sonny somehow managed to have him up against the wall, hands down the back of Rafeal’s jeans and cupping his ass. 

Sonny moaned as he licked the corner of Rafael’s mouth as the older man harshly bit his tongue and sucked it to soothe the pain. Rafael pushed Sonny’s coat off his shoulders, almost tearing the material as he tried to remove the many barriers between them as fast as he could. 

Rafael wanted to get laid. He _missed_ getting laid whenever he wanted to. By Sonny who never said no, who loved his dick, loved taking him from behind. Or when, greedy for approval and praise, opened his legs and bound his wrists to Rafael’s headboard. 

Sonny yanked Rafael’s shirt over his head as he reached for his belt, impatiently only undoing the first button before sliding his whole hand down the front. Rafeal pulled hard on Sonny’s hair, which he responded by fully sinking his teeth into the sensitive crook of his neck, blood bruising the skin, his breath hot and possessive. 

For as convoluted as their words got, the meaning behind their actions required no interpretation. 

_I ache for you_. 

Said the fit of Rafael’s fingers in the grooves of Sonny’s ribs. 

_Will always want you_.

Said Sonny’s hand, firm on the small of Rafael’s back with the older man’s nose buried in the patch of dark blonde hair on top of his chest. 

_Fuck, stop hiding from me damn you_. 

Rafael’s breathing became heavier as Sonny roughly palmed his cock, hard and dampening the front of his briefs. His moan hit a high pitch when Sonny mouthed his collar bones, jostling against his chest, his fingers frantically fumbling with the buttons of the detective’s shirt, tugging until he heard a sharp _ping_ as plastic hit the floor. 

Sonny didn’t seem to care, in fact he seemed more than content to dry hump them both to completion right there given how hard he was grinding his dick against Rafael’s thigh. The rubbed of their clothed cocks through their jeans felt heavenly, and Sonny could feel the growing stickiness staining the fabric. 

But the older man was having none of that. Sonny belonged in his bed, had left it empty for too long and Rafael was going to rectify that. 

Pushing Sonny back hard enough to make him stumble, Rafael pulled him by his now damaged shirt towards the bedroom, half naked and his cock almost out of his jeans. Another hard shove and Sonny was on his back, Rafael straddling his thighs, sinking into his lap, solid and breathtakingly masculine. 

Sonny moaned his desire and reached up to run a hand through Rafael’s chest hair, stroking his belly and palming his right nipple. 

Sonny’s eyes flew open in shock when instead of feeling warm, raised skin, he felt a cold hint of steel that made Rafael cry out when he touched it. But there was no mistaking the hard ridge of his cock pressed against Sonny’s pubic bone.

Growling, Sonny shifted his hips so that Rafael was now the one on his back, his eyes so dark that it made Rafael shiver. But not in the way he was expecting. 

He liked it when Sonny was aggressive, but this was something else. This wasn’t his lover, whose desire was always edged in sweet adoration no matter how deep the kink ran. 

This wasn’t his Sonny. His Sonny liked trashy shows enough to spend time explaining it to him. Who in return, learned how to play games so that he would have something in common with Barba. 

Who got his heart broken because someone could see that it sat with Rafael. 

Who wanted Rafael to fall for him hopelessly. 

And it was like a cold shock of water to his face. 

“Sonny, _Sonny_! Stop,” Rafael said, his voice hard as he gripped Sonny’s shoulders. The sound of his voice stopped the both of them cold. It was the first time either of them had actually spoken since the detective had showed up at Rafeal’s door.

Sonny visibly jerked backwards, his skin flushed. 

“What’s wrong?” Sonny spoke, the raspiness of his voice surprising him. Both of them were breathing hard by now, but without contact Sonny felt some of his sanity come back. 

He closed his eyes when Rafael cupped his face so that he could kiss him, much gentler this time. And for some reason it winded him more than all the fuck-me-now kisses they had shared before outside in the hallway. 

“Rafi, _Rafi_...” Sonny moaned with so much yearning that Rafael felt it imprint on his skin. He missed kissing him, the taste of him and the way it made his body tingle. 

“Mind telling me why you’ve been ignoring me for the past few weeks?” 

Sonny’s eyes flew open and he really pulled back this time, far enough so that Rafael would have to sit up to reach him. His face was back in the shadows but something eased in Rafael when he saw that the earlier coldness was gone, even though annoyance had taken its place. 

“Do we have to talk about this now?” Sonny growled, deliberately pressing his still throbbing cock against Rafael’s thigh. The familiar heft and shape and the memories it evoked made Rafael feel empty and instinctively arch his back so that he could feel it more. 

“Yeah Sonny, we do,” Rafael said softly, even as every brush of his cock made him want to ditch his common sense. “There are just some problems that we can’t fuck away.”

Although he knew Rafael was right, Sonny still looked away, his lust cooling as he felt himself soften. As the heat between them dissipated, Sonny moved so that he was in front of Rafael and no longer framing him with his arms. 

But Rafael didn’t push him to answer, it had never been his right in the first place to demand answers from Sonny. He knew that now. For all his frustration at Sonny not trusting him, it had been Rafael that had insisted they go to see Michael, bulldozing over the other man’s hesitation. 

“I was jealous, okay?” Sonny finally said, sitting cross-legged at the foot of Rafael’s bed. 

“Of?” Rafael probed, sitting up and leaning against his headboard. Sonny let out an exhale that sounded almost morose. 

“I am not some hot pro-rugby player scholar, who never had to go to night school and probably never got bullied a day in his life. And yeah, that is a knock to the ego I won’t lie.” 

Rafael exhaled softly as he turned Sonny’s reasoning over in his head. 

“But that is not it, is it?” Rafael said knowingly, but without a hint of condescension. Sonny hesitated before nodding his head. 

“I mean, you know I’ve always wanted to know more about you Rafi. But this guy, he knows you in a way I never will. Because you are not the same person you were back then. I love who you are now, but I regret that the you I get is so guarded.” 

Sonny finally looked up, his eyes reflecting a mixture of insecurity and regret, and Rafael fought the urge to pull him closer. 

“I mean, it’s stupid and unreasonable, but I just don’t like knowing that there is a part of you that I can’t reach,” Sonny finished, and Rafael felt the detective’s emotion prick him like feather fine darts. 

“I am not guarded because I have nothing to lose with him, Sonny. There are consequences to being with you, to us being together. And I am working that out, but I do want to work it out with you,” Rafael answered quietly. 

Rafael took Sonny’s foot into his lap, and ran his thumb along the sensitive instep, in a gesture he hoped was reassuring. This was entirely new territory to him and part of him wondered if he was saying the wrong thing.

But Rafael would be blunt and take a leap, hoping that Sonny would be there to catch him. 

“I certainly didn’t mean to make you feel that way Sonny,” Rafael said, starting slowly to close the gap between them. He crossed the bed and put one hand on Sonny’s thigh, taking his hand so that Sonny was cradling his jaw. 

“But know this,” Rafael started, dropping a kiss to the cup of Sonny’s palm. “When we are in bed, it is just you. And it has been for a while.”

There in his voice, was the honesty that Sonny had been searching for all along. Although nothing either of them could say would fix all their problems, Sonny felt that he finally had a handle on the balance between them. 

“Then I better make it worth your while then,” Sonny answered, his smile not back to its full brightness, but with hope in the corners. 

With a steady hand, Rafael started unbuttoning Sonny’s shirt with expert fingers, almost as an apology to how he had handled it earlier, kissing every bit of skin he exposed. 

“I don’t know any other way to feel when it comes to you,” Rafael murmured, his words resonating into skin, sonar into the bone. It tugged at the final dead knots of Sonny’s anger, allowing his feelings to slip and untangle. 

“Ever since I made you soup?” Sonny said, his teasing muted. 

“Maybe a little before that,” Rafael answered, his shoulders lifted in the slightest of shrugs, his face still downcast. 

The confession, as casual as it was, made Sonny lay down all the resentment he had allowed himself to feel, the edges earlier honed by righteous anger. It made him once more seek out the sensitive join of Rafael’s neck where it met his shoulder, his earlier urgency roaring back, but without the acrid tang of resentment. 

“It’s been too long. I’ve been away from you too long,” Sonny mumbled into Rafael’s bronzed skin, fingertips running over the veins in his arm. 

“Please give me your cock Sonny, I want it,” Rafael asked shamelessly, unbuttoning Sonny’s shirt completely and tossing it to the side. He wanted skin and slick, salt and musk against his tongue. 

He helped Sonny take off his trousers, pulling off his underwear with one hand as he divested himself of the last of his clothing. As he kissed Sonny, Rafael took his lover’s cock in his hand and gave it a quick stroke, only to immediately look down and have his breath catch. 

Rafael couldn’t help it, he licked his lips and gave Sonny a grin that was somewhere between wicked and desperate. 

Even though only the side lamp was on, there was no missing the two silver balls sitting just below the head of Sonny’s cock, glinting and kissing the skin. It was almost mesmerising to watch the sway of his now adorned dick. 

“You put it back in,” Rafael said, breathy and beguiled. Sonny laughed low in his throat. 

“Someone told me I should be proud of it,” Sonny said evenly, but his fingers were gentle as he traced Rafael’s features. His throat went dry when Rafael sucked on his fingertips and planted brief kisses down to his wrist. 

“I am going to suck your dick Sonny. You missed me sucking your dick didn’t you?” Rafael said, with just a hint of steel, his slight touches to Sonny’s jewellery making his prick twitch. 

Sonny dug his nails into his palms, he loved it when Rafael topped up from below, when he was all commands and sugary praise. It was Sonny’s cue that he could challenge him a little, exert his own dominance knowing that it would be met with something equally fiery. 

It was something that Sonny had never encountered with any of his previous lovers. He’d had others take him to bed and take him apart. He had come hard enough to almost black out, and fucked someone roughly on his kitchen table that it broke. 

But even with all that, it paled in comparison to what Rafael gave him when the gloves were truly off and Sonny pushed him as far as he would go. 

_Passion_. Raw and unfiltered. It was a revelation and burned him from the inside out. 

And he fucking loved it. 

“Then suck it, don’t just talk about it,” Sonny taunted, hand in Rafael’s hair as he guided him to his crotch where his cock was already fully hard and dripping translucent streaks. 

Running his tongue over the fullness of Sonny’s balls, Rafael rubbed his cheek against the base of the shaft, taking in the taste of clean skin as he traced a path to the base of the head where the piercing was. 

Gently gripping it between his teeth, he pressed the tip of his tongue to the metal, moaning when he found it warm from Sonny’s body. Rafael wouldn’t be able to take him in as fully as he would like, but he internally shivered at all the new possibilities open to him. 

Taking the entire head into his mouth, Rafael gingerly manipulated the blunt ends with his lips and tongue, the metal clacking against his teeth. It felt odd and alien, the distinct taste of silver on his palate. 

But it wasn’t the novelty that was getting Rafael off, that made him grind and frenziedly hump the sheets. 

No, it was watching Sonny’s reactions through downcast eyes. How Rafael playing with his piercing in the most delicate of places made everything he was feeling seem like it was brand new. 

“Fuck, yeah Rafi, that’s it,” Sonny groaned, one hand on the footboard and the other fisting Rafael’s hair, tactile anchors so that it all wouldn’t end so soon. “Oh baby, nobody’s done that to me before. Nobody makes me feel this _good_.” 

It would surprise no one that Rafael responded well to a little ego stroking. 

Pulling back to take a breath, Rafael smirked as he pressed Sonny’s cock to his lips. 

“God, if you had told me that you had put it back in, we would have made up sooner,” Rafael said, nuzzling the shaft before going back to fellating him. 

A part of Sonny unexpectedly went cold. 

The comment was off-the-cuff, flirty even and Sonny knew that had been Rafael’s intention. But it didn’t stop traitorous thoughts from crossing his mind. Sonny almost didn’t want to say it, didn’t want the mood ruined for the second time. But he knew that it would simmer and seethe inside him until he got his answer.

And Rafael told him to have faith, so Sonny had faith. 

“You really like that huh? The cock piercing?” Sonny ventured, choosing a modicum of tact and not barreling ahead and just asking if Kiwi Superman had one. 

Rafael, who still had a mouthful of Sonny’s cock, stiffened. He dug his nails into the comforter and bit back a knee-jerk sigh of irritation. He would admit it, that Sonny’s doubt actually irritated him. 

But it died just as quickly as it had flared up. Because Rafael knew that he lost nothing by yielding, that Sonny just needed that last bit of reassurance. 

And Rafael had absolutely no reason not to give it to him. 

“You are the first person I’ve ever slept with that had one Sonny,” Rafael responded, purposefully keeping his tone even and deliberate. “I always liked them though, and fuck, its so sexy. It makes your cock look amazing.” 

Sonny closed his eyes as he let Rafael’s words wash over him, extinguishing the last of his fears and heating his blood. Gripping Rafael’s hair he pushed him back so that he was on top again, his fingers insistent and urgent, circling his lover’s hole. 

“I can’t wait,” Sonny moaned gutturally, rubbing his thumb over Rafael’s perineum. 

“Then don’t Sonny. _Sonny_.”

Rafael was using his name as encouragement now, taking Sonny’s free hand so that he could squeeze his chest. 

Looking down, Sonny felt a jolt when he saw a barbell through Rafael’s right nipple. He had almost forgotten the thing that had jarred him earlier, a modification to a body that he had been touching, loving for months. 

Dropping his head, Sonny hovered over the peak and gently blew on it. The effect was instantaneous, Rafael’s body writhing and twisting as if he had sat on a live wire. 

“So sensitive,” Sonny said, his voice very close to amazement. “Does it hurt?” 

“No. Yes. I mean… _yes_!” Rafael arched his back when Sonny softly rubbed his nose against the barbell. He didn’t dare put his mouth on it yet, but he loved that every huff of breath caused an intense reaction. 

“Sonny, _Sonny_ , what are you waiting for?” Rafael demanded almost petulantly, bending his leg behind Sonny’s thigh so that the detective’s cock was rubbing between the cheeks of his ass, the feeling even more pronounced now that the end was pierced. 

Rafael bit the underside of Sonny’s roughened jaw, sucking on a scar that the detective got as a kid when he had fallen off his bike. 

The both carried scars on their bodies from mistakes and accidents, markers on a map. But there was a thrill to both of them that there were changes now, new places to explore and exploit to bring them off higher. 

Lifting Rafael’s arm so that he could expose his tattoo, Sonny lovingly grazed his teeth over the inked surface even as he reached to the side for the lube. Rafael had gotten used to Sonny’s fixation of his tattoo, but him laving his tongue over it never failed to make his toes flex and curl. 

“Open me up Sonny,” Rafael said, his other hand dropping to his neglected cock to squeeze at the base to stop himself from coming too soon. It had been almost a month since the two of them had sex, a month since those talented fingers had been inside him and spikes of lust were getting harder to keep back. 

One finger quickly became two as Rafael tried to get Sonny to finger him deeper. Sonny had moved on by now to Rafael’s other nipple, tugging it between his teeth until the skin pebbled under his lips. 

“I love how you tighten up when I play with you here,” Sonny said, crooking his fingers inside Rafael, stretching and twisting so that Rafael could take his cock. He loved thoroughly prepping his lover, finding it as much as a turn on as fucking him. 

But right now he _needed_ to fuck him. 

Hastily rolling on a condom, Sonny pressed the head of his pierced cock to Rafael’s asshole, rocking back and forth as he stretched the tight muscle. More lube and a slip of his thumb and Sonny managed to get his cock halfway in before stopping, white bursts of light behind his eyelids. 

Rafael instinctively clenched and keened. He thought he knew how Sonny’s cock felt inside him, its thickness and girth, the steady pulse as he slid in right to the root.  
But now Sonny’s cock felt wider, the blunt ends of the jewellery rubbing against the sensitive inner walls in ways it couldn’t before, pressed right against his prostate, a dizzying contrast of hard and soft. 

“Move Sonny. _Ah_...” Rafael gave a plea that was disguised as a demand, hooking his arm around Sonny’s neck so that he could plant bruising kisses all over his throat, where he couldn’t hide them. 

So people would know he was taken, marking him just like a tattoo. 

“Yeah Rafi, yeah. You like my cock don’t you, love me fucking you like this. Nobody else gets you so hard baby, nobody but me,” Sonny lust bragged, punctuating it with short, sudden slams of his hips that made Rafeal’s body double over and convulse. 

Rafael tightened around Sonny’s cock as he chased his climax, his senses in overdrive from the riot of unfamiliar sensations and repeated slams to his prostate when Sonny dug his knees in and fucked him almost off the bed. 

“Come on Rafi, come on,” Sonny urged mindlessly, as Rafael took himself into his hand and roughly stroked himself. 

But when Sonny accidentally brushed against his nipple piercing, it was all the impetus he needed to come all over his stomach, his voice cracking on a swear, spunk marking skin like paint. 

Holding Rafael down by the shoulders, Sonny ran his hand through his lover’s come even before he had finished, biting down on his knuckles as he drove his cock in as deep as it would go. 

One more clench of his body and Sonny was coming hard, filling the condom, the earlier starburst intensifying as his elbows gave out and he collapsed on Rafael’s chest. 

But the ADA didn’t seem to mind, kissing Sonny’s forehead as he rode out his orgasm by taking gulps of air, feeling the warmth of him seep through the protective barrier. 

Resting his head on Rafeal’s forearm, Sonny tried to get his world to focus as the pressure in his ears equalised, only to stiffen when he heard Rafael say something. 

“I didn’t sleep with him when I got my tattoo Sonny.” 

Sonny didn’t move, he didn’t dare to move. So instead he chose to keep silent, staring at the turn of Rafael’s throat, the beat of his pulse nestled in the outline of his clavicle. 

“I wanted to, but he said it wasn’t a good idea. And he was right, I was hurting and angry, and it probably would have ruined our friendship. I don’t have many friends that I can trust.” 

It was said so matter-of-factly but it struck Sonny right down to the core. It made Sonny realise that sometimes the past didn’t matter, because Rafael would be part of his future. He would make sure of that. 

Because it hurt too much to imagine if he wasn’t. 

“You’re my man,” Sonny murmured, still drunk on his feelings, tucking what was both a confession and an affirmation into collarbones and the grey of Rafael’s hair. “And I am yours, baby.” 

**Sonny fact #48** : he would never stop reassuring Rafael of how he felt. 

In the dark, Barba swore that he could practically hear the crease of Sonny’s smile.

***

“He is really handsome, your boyfriend. I’m jealous.” 

“You? Jealous? Never thought I would see the day Michael,” Rafael said wryly. 

Putting his feet up on his desk, Barba cradled the phone in the crook of his neck as he made notes on a pad. He was using his free moment in between meetings to update Michael, who had been very concerned about how things had looked that day in the cafe. 

“Well, from the way you keep gushing over him.” Michael laughed when Rafael snorted at the comment. “Like I said, from the way you talked about him, I could see you were clearly head-over heels. How come you were never like that with me?” 

Another laugh, but Barba’s pen stilled when he picked up that something was subtly different. 

“What does he have that I don’t anyway?” 

A question this time, jovial, almost cavalier. But the difference was more obvious this time.

“With you, I knew how you would love me. I knew, how our relationship would progress and I could see how it would all play out, clear as daylight. But I know myself and I knew that it wasn’t what I was looking for.” 

Barba looked out his window at the New York skyline, with only the faintest hum of traffic and people as background noise. 

“I’ve always wanted someone to love me differently, and he does,” Rafael said softly. 

Many experienced Barba’s prose and ignored the depth of his poetry. 

“I see I never stood a chance then,” Michael said, the earlier fronting replaced by a more genuine affection. 

“Do me a favour then? Tell him, will you? Don’t wait until you don’t get to see him anymore because, I don’t know, you recklessly decided to fight with your professors out of sheer hotheaded petulance.” 

Rafael’s heart clenched at the fondness he heard in Michael’s voice. Past lovers had a history, like notches along a spider web, looping and overlapping, always making you wonder if you did the right thing ending it in the first place. 

But what he felt now for Sonny managed to slice straight through that, making his past feelings feel more like deja vu. And like he said, Michael was more valuable to him as a friend. 

He wouldn’t force Sonny to like Michael, but at the same time Rafael would also need to remember to take his lover’s feelings into consideration. Rafael had someone else to think about now, and somehow he had a feeling that Michael would understand. 

And wasn’t that nice, after years of being alone. 

“Is that why you asked me out last week? Because there is nobody else that you can talk to about him?” Michael said with a note of curiosity. 

“Well, yes. I mean we were together, so you understand what it is like to be with me. My best friend is his boss, and my mom is just happy that I am with someone. So I wanted another viewpoint to try and understand why he was so pissed.” 

Rafael dropped his pen with a rueful sigh. 

“I didn’t expect him to suddenly show up though.” 

“I told you it was a bad idea the minute I sat down. That it was him you should have been having that talk with and not me. Although, saying that, it sounds like you both made up,” Michael said pointedly. 

Barba put his head back to look at the ceiling, a definite smile on his face. 

“We did,” Barba said, unable to keep the smugness out of his voice. 

“You don’t have to sound quite _so_ happy you know Rafey,” Michael said drolly. “Look, tell Sonny if he ever wants a tattoo or some other work done, he can come by, free of charge. An apology of sorts.” 

Sonny would probably never take it up, but Barba appreciated the offer. 

“Sure,” Barba said before they both hung up. 

Leaning back into his chair, Barba ran through his checklist for the rest of the day when a chime from his phone derailed his thoughts. 

“ _Picking up Japanese for dinner. Got those dumplings you like, with extra spring onions okay_?” 

**Rafael fact #7** : he loved spring onions. 

The thing was, the two of them really didn’t need to keep playing this game of one upmanship anymore in order to get to know each other better.  
But Barba found that he rather liked keeping a record, memories stored in mental scrapbooks, dog-eared so he could always go back or add a new chapter. 

Maybe he would take Michael’s advice and tell Sonny. Or maybe he already knew. 

**Rafael fact #50** : he loved Sonny Carisi. Hopelessly. 

***

**The End**

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly SO SORRY this update took so long. Especially since last time I said it wouldn't take so long. I blame it on a mixture of work, some writer's hesitation and this random feeling of slight demotivation. It is not the pairing really, just in general and the situation around it, and that happens when things in real life flare up. 
> 
> Whatever it is though, I thank you whoever is reading this, I love every comment and kudos I get, and I hope this part was worth the wait. 
> 
> Hopefully my next project is more lighthearted (it is XD) 
> 
> ***
> 
> Songs used
> 
> i. **Be Kind** ~ **Marshmello & Halsey**  
> ii. **Holding On** ~ **Gregory Porter** (from the album **Take Me to the Alley** )


End file.
